ARE YOU AFRAID?

January 27,2008
A Journey


A Journey through Cancer
By Muffet Dolar Villegas
FEAR
I sought the Lord and He answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 34:4
(Dateline) CEBU
My name was called out and I was given a piece of paper bearing my medical result. Chills ran through my spine as I looked at the five little red dots which seemed to leap out of the pages of the white paper. “God, no… this is almost as many as I had three years ago.” I concentrated on the dots and I can’t hold back the tears. Solid nodules…enlarged lymph nodes… so they’re back. These dots conjured images of the operating room, the chemo room, hairless months, and I could almost smell the chemo drugs again. It was like a dejavu. Three years ago, this was the day and this month of January, when I knew I had breast cancer.
My husband was reading through my result and he put his arms around me protectively and whispered,“Everything will be alright. God will never leave us alone. These are not final results yet. He can reverse anything.”
I turned to God and groaned. Lord, I know the radiologist said it looks bad, but I didn’t know this will be so bad. Yes, this is me, Lord. The one who wrote about courage, hope, faith, and trust in you. The one you taught how to be strong for three years, but look, I am scared as a mouse today.
When I gave the paper to the secretary of my oncologist, she said, “I’m sorry ma’m, but this is not your result. This paper has another name on it, not yours.”
I was shocked and relieved, but felt sad for the owner of that paper. When my real result was given, it showed only one red dot, with rough edges, which is not a good sign either, and it has to be removed right away. But by this time, fear was replaced by peace. I only have to read the inscription in my bracelet given by a missionary and friend, Janelle Stihl last week which quotes Psalm 27:1 “ The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear?”.
Fear can paralyze us and block us away from our intimacy with God. Once we are locked away by fear, we are no longer a threat.
How do we fight fear? Nip it in the bud. We can claim God’s faithfulness in the past and present and praise Him for it. Worship kills depression. It sends all the little torturers of the mind and flesh scampering away and hide back in the darkness.
I looked back at all those times when God was faithful. This will be my third surgery in three years time since cancer. I almost died on the second time when all veins but one collapsed for loss of blood. He took care of me through hairless months of chemotherapy. He took charge of our finances and He took care of my husband and children. He reached out to me through people like you. You took time to read my thoughts in this column, and wrote me inspiring emails.
For these past nights, and even during the day, fear peeps inside and draw the curtains away. It smiles wickedly and asks me, “What if your God is too busy for you?”
I shot back and say, “No, he is not busy, he has even time for you.”
I will know the result whether the nodule is malignant or benign after the surgery on Tuesday. My result is in His hands. Its hard to see beyond His will but He has shown me mercy and care for the past three difficult but best years of my life. May His will be done, not mine.